Legolas Goes Crazy
by Lucky Larue
Summary: Just as the title says. Now, with a new chapter
1. Original Chapter

Legolas Goes Crazy  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
Legolas was walking down the street one day when he saw Gimli standing there. Legolas took out his bow and arrow and shot Gimli through the heart.  
  
Legolas skipped off down the street untill he came to a place where Aragorn was buying an ice cream cone from a street vender.  
  
Legolas kicked Aragorn in the butt and ducked down. "Hey, who's there?" said Aragorn, spinning around. Legolas looked up from where he was crouched and giggled. Aragorn looked down in surprise and saw him. Legolas jumped up and stabbed Aragorn in the gut with a knife.  
  
Legolas left Aragorn's body there on the sidewalk and went off. "Hey, you didn't pay." said the ice cream dealer, to Aragorn.  
  
Legolas was happily breezing down the street when he stopped and looked in a shop window. He saw Frodo inside, buying a model train with Sam. "This is gonna rule." said Sam.  
  
Legolas went inside the train store and beat Frodo over the head with a chair that was behind the desk. The manager tried to stop him but Legolas threw him out the window. Legolas kicked Sam in the shins.  
  
Legolas grabbed Frodo and stuffed his head in the toilet of the restroom of the place.  
  
Sam came in hopping up and down. Legolas beat him over the head with a heavy book on trains untill he was dead. Legolas stabbed Frodo then left.  
  
Legolas went outside. Legolas was walking along when suddenly he saw Arwen sobbing on a bench. Legolas went up to her and asked what was wrong. "My boyfriend's dead." said Arwen. Legolas smiled and put an arm around her. "I'll comfort you!" he told her.  
  
Legolas tried to kiss Arwen but Arwen beat him with her purse. Legolas took out his bow and arrow and shot her, and Arwen fell dead off the bench. Legolas got up and brushed off his outfit, then he straightened his very long hair. Legolas went on, looking for someone new to kill. He went walking around the corner.  
  
Legolas jumped in surprise when he saw Gandalf trying to get a quarter from where it lay on a gutter. Legolas walked up behind Gandalf and kicked his ass! Gandalf turned around and looked pissed off. "Who goes there?" said Gandalf. Legolas chuckled and jumped up and down. Gandalf took out his staff, ready to end Legolas's life.  
  
Legolas grabbed Gandalf's staff and wrestled with him. Legolas fought with Gandalf untill he saw a truck coming and tangoed Gandalf out into the street. Legolas spun Gandalf around just in time for the heavy duty truck to slam into him at 50 mile per hour. The wizard looked surprised as he saw the truck about to hit him. Legolas smiled, serenly, and skipped off.  
  
Legolas kept going for several minutes untill he spied Merry and Pippin sitting outside of a store, reading comic books. Legolas got out his bow and arrow.  
  
Legolas fired an arrow straight into Merry's heart. Merry clutched his heart and fell over, dead. Pippin looked at Merry, then looked up at Legolas in surprise, then indignation. He threw his comic book down and stormed over to Legolas.  
  
"I don't take that shit litely." said Pippin, looking feral. Legolas tilted his head. "Don't mess with me, fool, I'm a psycho too!" said Pippin, pulling out a machine gun and blowing Legolas away. Pippin snarled down at Legolas's body, then turned around and went back to reading his comic book.  
  
The end. 


	2. Chapter 2: Pippin Lives

Legolas Goes Crazy Chapter 2: Pip's Chapter  
  
This is in response to somebody who reviewed and said there couldn't be a second chapter, because all the charactors were dead. That's wrong. Pip's still alive.  
  
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  
  
Pip sat on the sidewalk reading comic books for the next 7 hours. A cop came up to him and hassled him. "Pip, what are you doing there in the middle of the night?" said the cop.  
  
"I'm reading my comic books." said Pippin.  
  
"You can't see in the dark." said the cop.  
  
"Yes I can." said Pippin.  
  
"Alright, get up. That's enough loitering." said the cop.  
  
Pippin stood up. "You will rue this day." he whispered. "What was that??" said the cop. "Nothing, officer." said Pippin.  
  
Pip walked off down the street away from the cop. "Hey, there's a dead body here. And one more over there!" said the cop, noticing the bodies of Merry and Legolas.  
  
Pippin went into an water ice store that was open late. He ordered a cherry water ice. Pippin was eating his water ice when he got a headache from the cold.  
  
"SHIT!! That hurts!" said Pippin.  
  
Pippin kicked the thing where they keep the water ice, where you look through the glass to see the water ices in their tubs.  
  
"You just damaged my property! Now I'm gonna have to call the cops." said the girl behind the counter.  
  
"Wait, don't do that, I'll pay you extra." said Pip, trying to find more money in his pockets and throwing some down on the counter. "I don't want your money!" snapped the girl. "No, take it!" said Pip. "Get outta my store!!" hollared the girl.  
  
"You can't call the cops, you can't have me hauled away!!" said Pip, at that exact moment the cop barged into the store and grabbed hold of Pippin. "You're under arrest for murder!!" said the cop.  
  
"What??? Murder!! No, I'm innocent! Please!" said Pippin. "Tell it to the judge." said the cop. Pippin grew feral and thrashed around in the cops grip. He turned around and bit the cop's arm. "Aaaaaggghh!!" said the cop. Pippin leaped forward and scrambled up over the thing that held the water ice.  
  
Pippin landed on teh other side. "Aaahhh!!" said the girl. She ran away. Pippin reached into the water ice and got a cup full of pina colada! Pip started to eat the water ice. He didn't even have a spoon.  
  
"Get away!! I want my water ice! I like water ice alot." said Pippin, reaching into the banana water ice tub and grabbing a fistful of banana water ice. He started eating it as the cop climbed over the counter.  
  
"GAAGGHH!! Get back!" said Pippin. Pippin threw the rest of his cup of pina colada at the cop's face.  
  
"Aahh, it's so cold! You'll pay for that!" said the cop. He pulled out his nightstick.  
  
The only thing Pippin could think to do was jump in with the water ice. Pip climbed in and shut the glass. The cop opened the glass but Pippin pulled out a tub of chocolate and shoved it in the cop's face. "Nooo!! Oh, God, chocolate!!" said the cop, backing up.  
  
Pip jumped out of his safety place and worked and worked untill he'd made it back over the counter, then he ran for the door.  
  
"Get back here!!" roared the cop, enraged. Pip grabbed a container of pretzel sticks before he went and chucked the whole thing at the cop's head, then he tore out the door and started running furiously down the street.  
  
The cop angrily stomped the pretzel rods that had fallen to the floor, then took off after Pippin.  
  
"Mother &$#*!! You'll never catch me alive!!" called Pippin, as he saw the cop coming out of the store and chasing behind him.  
  
Pippin's legs were short, and the cop soon caught up with him. The cop grabbed Pippin by the collar.  
  
"Prepare to go down!! I know every judge in this state, and I'll see to it you get the death penalty!" said the cop.  
  
"You wish!" said Pippin.  
  
The next day...  
  
Pippin was on the stand, giving his testimony for his trial.  
  
"I didn't kill anybody. Legolas just walked up and died. Merry had a stroke." said Pippin.  
  
The cop had gotten a speedy attorney certificate and he was the prosecuter in Pippin's trial. He walked up angrily and slammed his fist down on the jury box.  
  
"That's a lie!! You killed them both, now didn't you?! Didn't you?! Fess it up, Peregrin!" said the cop.  
  
Pippin snarled, but then regained his composure, acting cool. "I don't know what you're talking about." he said.  
  
"LIES!! ADMIT IT!! YOU OFFED THE BOTH OF THEM YOU MURDERIN' BASTARD!!" said the cop/attorney.  
  
"I'm innocent! Innocent, I say! Why I've never so much as swatted a fly!" said Pippin, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping his eyes with it.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're not going to believe this lying little pipsqueek are you?" said the cop.  
  
The jury mumbled to itself.  
  
Finally, it came time for closing arguments.  
  
"What you see before you is a cold blooded murderer. This is a sadistic bloodthirsty villian! He must be destroyed." said the cop/attorney.  
  
"OBJECTION!! This is nonsense, people, don't make me out to be a bad guy." said Pippin.  
  
"Silence!" said the judge.  
  
Pippin's attorney was a public defender, Farimir . He stood up to make his final argument.  
  
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I want to say that this fine hobbit is not to be put to death or locked up. He is a good lad who desereves to be a member of the community once more. Thank you." said Farimer, the defender.  
  
Pippin shook his head and put his head in his hand.  
  
The judge grunted and drummed his fingers.  
  
"We have reached a verdict. We find the defendant not guilty. He's just got such a winning way about him, he's cute." said the head of the jury.  
  
Pippin smiled broadly. "Yes!" he said.  
  
"You're free to go." said the judge. "Wait a minute! You can't let him off!! You can't you can't you can't!!" sobbed the cop/attorney. "I'm sorry, but Pippin Took goes free. He's a swell guy, and I don't want to see him fry. Now get out of here." said the judge.  
  
The cop screamed in agony and rage of his defeat, then he kicked over somebody's chair. "That's it! That is a federal crime! You're under arrest, buddy." said the judge. The cop was put in jail.  
  
Pippin walked out happily. He went back to get a water ice. Pippin was sitting outside the store eating a coconut water ice, when he suddenly remembered that he did kill Legolas. "I forgot. I killed Legolas, but Merry was killed first, BY Legolas." said Pippin, looking mildly disturbed. Pippin shrugged. "I should get some Ginko Biloba to improve my memory! Well, that's what Legolas gets for killing Merry." said Pippin.  
  
Pippin ate his water ice and scrunched up the paper cup it came in. He threw it in the trash. Pip was annoyed. "I've got no friends, now, they're all dead." said Pip. Pip thought about making friends with Farimer, but then said, "Nah, the guy's a bozo, he almost lost my case. Like hell am I gonna name my son after him." said Pippin.  
  
Pip walked away into the fading sunset, his hands in his pockets. "I guess I'm destined to live the lonesome life from now on." Pip said.  
  
The end...? 


End file.
